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Eleanor Roosevelt

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Sunday, March 4th, 2007
10:34 am - Someone wrote me
I have no motivation to make an effort in school anymore.
-- = Hannah

You're tellin' me, honey. I have no motivation to make an effort in writing an advice column. I love helping out the downtrodden, the confused, the wicked, the good, the hopefull, and the damaged. I just don't get very many questions anymore and so I don't check my email to see if I have questions, and then I don't get questions, and it's a vicious circle. I lost a big part of my web presence, so people quit asking. Now I'm at the borderline between unemployed and retired. Hurricane Katrina did a number on me too.

To answer your question, try drinking more caffeine.

--Eleanor Roosevelt

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, September 4th, 2006
1:08 pm - Well, this lizard can rest a little easier tonight

current mood: relieved

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Saturday, July 8th, 2006
8:37 am - Advice
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Sunday, April 9th, 2006
8:44 pm - An explanation.
Sometimes, young'uns come over and ask me "Mrs. Roosevelt, you're so caring and helpful--why is it that you never had children of your own? Are you barren?"

This ol' lizard's not barren. And if I were, I could whip up a potion to fix that in a jiffy, let me tell you! But here's the reason Franklin and I never had any kids.

As you know, I'm ancient. I came to my child-bearing years in the 1930s, during the Great Depression. During the Depression, we all had to make sacrifices. Why, I had a friend who didn't eat a morsel of foxmeat for a year! She trapped foxes and gave all the meat to the little school-lads whose starving parents gambled away their lunch money at the racetracks, in the hopes of making some extra cash to pay rent and buy coal. Anyway, back in those trying times, no one could afford to have children. But, of course, the randiness that runs through the veins of men (and women! Yes, and women!) did not cease. Ha! I do not joke. But, there was a severe rubber shortage, and you know what that means. No rubbers! There was also a sheepskin shortage, because all the sheepskin was used to make wardrums and battletrampolines. The only spermicide available was bleach, and well, that hurts everyone and makes for unsightly white spots. And back in the old days, no self-respecting lady would shove a cervical cap or a diaphragm into her netherparts. Girls these days will do anything! I admire their deftness. Anyhow, there was really only one thing to do for birth control, and that was to put it in the hinder. It became quite the trend. Franklin and I put it in the hinder exclusively for years, and then when the Depression was over, we tried it the other way again, and we just didn't like it anymore. Once you turn over, you never turn back, dearies!

current mood: chipper

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Thursday, March 23rd, 2006
9:26 pm - advice
i just turned sixteen and i'm thinking about a summer job. what could i
do besides waiting at restaraunts or shelving books at the library? i
don't have any interest in getting or driving a car. i just want to
feel useful.
-- = judy

How about being a lifeguard? Under no circumstances should you sell knives or Sierra Club memberships door to door. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

dear eleanor,

i find i'm of the same dilemma as the proprietor of this fine site. the
aversion to capitalization and quibbling over grammar rings a bell. i
visited nyu and loved the hell out of it, but my parents wouldn't let me
apply when i was in high school. so i reluctantly went to a
disgustingly large (in-)state school with more money than sense. that's beside the
point. i once had the good fortune to meet a nyu writing masters degree
holder with the eloquence of a meandering mountain brook. she was
amazingly gracious and informative, but i suppose my question is this: how
do you prevent yourself from crushing your head when you write badly? i
find i struggle with daily with this... and my head hurts.
-- = andy

Hmmm. That's a tough one. You could stop writing. You could stop writing badly. I guess that's it. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

dear ellie,

since laura took down her website, are you still going to do the advice
column? i think you're quite awesome at it.
-- = Lucy

I certainly am going to continue, though I'm worried how people will find me. I like advising. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Monday, February 20th, 2006
11:50 am - President's Day Advice
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Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
9:00 pm - The State of the Union Address
This lizard is going to liveblog.

9:05-- So far, so good. I haven't seen that SOB's grimace.

9:09-- Bill Frist is looking very grim tonight. I think that fellow might have cheated Death himself.

9:11-- Well, shiver my ruined timbers! I just saw the smirk! That bastard!

9:14-- Looks like the President has lips fit for an alligator. But the real question tonight, my dears, is where did his teeth go? He's looking a bit gummy tonight! Hahaha.

9:17-- Bush just took credit for the increase of democracies since 1945. Wrong! This lizard is older than that young whippersnapper. I know what he was doing in the fifties.

9:21-- Enough with the citing things that great Democratic presidents have accomplished as it it reflects on him! He is the poorest excuse for a leader to ever occupy the Oval Office!

9:23-- Huhuhu/// This is SCALIA! ^_^ I hacked Eleanor Roosevelt cuz I am not in my seat and I am on the lam tonight.

9:26-- Sorry about Scalia. I don't know where he came from. I just noticed that that man doesn't know what makes a good speech. He just recited a letter from a Marine as if he memorized it. It would have been much more effective if he had looked down at his notes as if he had the letter there and read it.

He just winked! WHY DID HE WINK? I am so embarassed.

9:35-- Bush lied. The Constitution does not give him the power to spy on me. It expressly forbids it.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
9:38-- OOooo no he didn't! He alluded to New Orleans, the city he destroyed!

I'm surprised he's attacking protectionists and those who oppose immigration. Xenophobes are half his base!

9:43-- I loved that Democrats stood when Bush announced his failure to destroy Social Security!

9:46-- More with the immigrants. I can't believe it. But I hear some mistruths coming about health care! You know, the United States government runs an extremely effective and cost-effective health system--the Veterans' Administration's hospitals. The government not only provides the insurance but also provides the care. And it works.

9:54-- He just listed a whole lot of things that Clinton did as if they reflect well on himself. The people off welfare, the number of abortions going down, etc. I had almost forgotten how successful Clinton was.


10:01-- Talking about "a hopeful society" seems like an admission of failure to this gator. If after being President for five years, your message to the country is "let's hope for the best," you have already failed.

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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
5:48 pm - advice - 3 questions
Mrs. Roosevelt,

How do you know if your friends are trustworthy? I don't always
believe everything they say, but I don't know if it's possible that what
they're saying is true.

-- =

If you try to catch them in their lies, your friendship is over, so don't do things like set traps. If they are telling you far-fetched things and you don't care about them, maybe your friends will quit telling you those things. Or maybe they will tell you even more far-fetched things. Does it really matter if they're lying to you about things you can't verify? -- Eleanor Roosevelt

is it bad to flirt with the guy i used to make my bf jealous
enough to get a clue (which worked) even if i don't like him that much?
i love my boyfriend so i wouldn't cheat on him or dump him for this
guy, i just like to keep my options open, and he might be seeful in the
-- = Moriah

Yes, that is bad. People are ends, not means. Also, you don't love your boyfriend. If you did, you wouldn't worry about keeping your options open. "Keeping your options open" reminds me of animals who want to mate and not people in love. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

I have to decline nouns in Attic Greek and it is driving me
gently mad. What should I do to preserve sanity?
-- = Neil Satterlund

Take ether, sweetheart. If it doesn't preserve your sanity, at least you'll be losing it for a worthwhile reason. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

current mood: contemplative

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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
7:21 pm - Advice
adviceCollapse )

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Tuesday, December 13th, 2005
10:35 pm - Sorry for the Absence
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current mood: full

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Tuesday, November 8th, 2005
6:59 am - election advice
Hi Ellie,

I live in New York City. Who should I vote for for mayor? I prefer Bloomberg's policies but Ferrer's politics.
-- = Mike

Ferrer. Do you remember voting last year? You had 1 vote and Bloomberg had 1 vote. Bloomberg also had several million dollars to use to make sure that America still tortures people. He spent several million dollars to get Sam Alito on the Supreme Court. He spent several million dollars to disgrace the memory of 9/11 by invading Iraq. If Bloomberg didn't want this election to be about party affiliation, he wouldn't have spent his personal fortune to make sure that America is miserable. Bloomberg cut food stamps as a response to Hurricane Katrina. Bloomberg hates balancing budgets and would rather cut taxes on himself. Every day he wakes up with the option of repudiating these godawful policies and every day he decides to continue lending them his support. Judging by the recent polls, your vote for Ferrer would only be a protest vote. Can you think of a better man to protest than an ardent Republican? I can't. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Sunday, October 9th, 2005
8:27 pm - an advice column
a lot of sex ones this timeCollapse )

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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
8:34 pm - advice
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Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
7:58 pm - advice
I get questions againCollapse )

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Sunday, September 11th, 2005
8:00 pm - Some advice
that flood got boring, so I'm answering some questionsCollapse )

current mood: bored

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Sunday, September 4th, 2005
1:54 pm - A cartoon
Ha ha ha

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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
7:33 pm - Looting Update
Looting isn't going as well anymore. A few days ago I looted Fats Domino. He's a real class act. To my dismay, someone looted him away from me a day later.

I think I'll go for a swim now. I looted a new bathing suit and I look fetching in it.

current mood: good

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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
7:07 am - I'm getting tired of this flooding business
Alright, I looted and got the things I'll need for the next month or so, and now I want to get on with life. I wish we had a functioning government. I reckon that if all our tax dollars hadn't been spent on Iraq, there might have been some money to build better levees. Republicans let my city be destroyed. I will never forget this.

current mood: angry

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Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
10:26 pm - I love it!
I'm glad I ignored y'all's advice and stayed put. I've had the best time recently. I reckon this hurricane is the opposite of the Great Depression. During the Depression we didn't get a thing for 12 years! So far during the hurricane I got 300 cartons of cigarettes, a new phonograph, an air mattress, and so much jewelry. You're allowed to take whatever you want in New Orleans now. Some people have to stay on their roofs, but some of us other folk can get around just fine. They call us "the looters" cause that's Cajun for "Hurricanes be damned!" Ha ha ha.

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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
6:49 pm - Should I evacuate?
It's time for this old lizard to ask for some advice of her own now. Hurricane Katrina is on its way to my front door, and she's as strong a hurricane as I've ever seen. I don't know whether to evacuate. I am getting up in my years and there's precious little I could do around the house should anything happen, Heaven forbid. On the other claw, I'm an alligator, and a fiesty one at that. What's a little wind and rain going to do to me anyway? Maybe I'll make myself a Hard Limeade and sit it out.

current mood: uncomfortable

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