Eleanor Roosevelt (ellie_roosevelt) wrote,
Eleanor Roosevelt

an advice column

Dear Mrs. Roosevelt,

I suppose i ought to be honest & hope no one I know reads this: I've
had a crush on my science teacher for some time, and because of my
extreme distaste for teachers brought about by my years of boredom in the
public school system, I have decided to reject my love for this man and
find someone born in the same decade as myself.

This seemed to work for a while but it has become increasingly more
difficult because i think...he likes me? It seems so odd & wrong, but
during his lectures he'll stare into my eyes alot, and whenever i stay late
after class he seems to touch me alot. As far as i know teachers don't
usually touch their students, but still i'm not sure if i'm just
imagining things. I really don't know what to do and i'm pretty sure it
wouldn't work between us, despite the fact that he's a fantastic, beautiful,
-- = confused

If you do anything with him, he will be fired and he will have to go back to college to learn a new job because his teaching career will be over for the rest of his life. Should he take responsiblity for his own career and not leave that for you to look out for? Absolutely. But if he's about to ruin his life and you care at all about him, you might want to keep that in mine. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

i have a sort of long distance thing with a very wonderful boy but it
is not really working out because of the distance and the separate lives
and i am too independant maybe. i think you need to be sharing the
same world to be in a relationship that is serious. i really care about
him and want to be good friends and maybe come back to the relationship
when it is at a better point in our lives. what do you suggest i do
about this? the next question is there is a nice boy who is my casual
friendly friend here at university. he's funny and smart and quirky and
i enjoy spending time with him. he said he's fine with just hanging
out and all that but i told him about other boy and he's fine with that
because other boy and i are in weird limbo as it is. here boy is keen on
whatever progresses with our friendship, be it into a relationship or
not. but i just want to know what i should do with the boys and how i
can juggle them or not.
-- = isolde

Tell the far boy that you mean no offense when you tell him that you can't be a couple. If long distance relationships can work, they can only work with two people who really want it to. You aren't one. That's fine--this lizard probably wouldn't be either. After the far boy is out of the way, give the near boy a shot. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

My boyfriend is an ass.
-- = Ashleigh

If you amend your statement to be "my ex-boyfriend was an ass," a lot of your problem will be gone. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

are there hookers in the world of chickens?
if so, what would they be paid in?
-- = Alex

Yes, there are. They are paid in dollars in America, euros in Europe, rubles in Russia, pounds sterling in the United Kingdom, yen in Japan, etc. Money is no more useful to humans and alligators than it is to chickens--we use it to buy things we actually want. People buy iPods and chickens buy chicken feed and fox deterrents. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

my boyfriend asked me to jack him off with my boobs. how
exactly do i do this and do it well?
-- = Olivia

You do it by putting his nethertender betwixt your boobs and pressing them together. If the actuality of that situation isn't enough to invoke some jizz, there's nothing more you can do. That is not a deed that can be done "well." That is a deed that is best done "rarely." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Dear Eleanor-
I've had a sex buddy for the past 6 months or so, and just a few days
ago I found out he's been screwing a bunch of other girls. Now, I
suspected this and thought that I wouldn't care because we're not going out
or anything, but as soon as I found out, I felt betrayed. I'm not sure
if it's because I'm jelous, territorial, worried he might like the other
girls more than me, afraid I'm not as good in bed as the other girls,
or what. What do you think about this predicament?
-- = Virginia

I think you're bothered for all of those reasons and also because you don't have a bunch of other guys whom you screw. I think you should probably call it quits with this guy. Tell him you're afraid of diseases. -- Eleanor Rooselvelt

Why is it that guys get off on watching girls touch
themselves, give them blowjobs, etc.?
-- =

Sometimes guys want to be reminded that girls have sexual appetites and aren't just condescending to engage in sex acts with them. Both of those things fulfill that need. They also might like blow jobs if they hate women. Blow jobs are tricky like that. -- Eleanor Roosevelt

How do i go about giving the perfect hand job?
-- = CK

Squeeze his thingy tighter. A little tigher. No, not that tight. You're going to rip it off! If you have fingernails or claws, be careful of them. Do not act like you are milking a cow. Watch some gay porn to get the rhythm aspect down. Practice makes perfect. Or just let him do it himself. I'm sure he knows how and can do it better. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
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my boyfriend asked me to jack him off with my boobs. how
exactly do i do this and do it well?

Replace your feet with your boobs. Now walk on his crotch. Treat it like a treadmill. Keep walking.
How do i go about giving the perfect hand job?
-- = CK

The "Do not act like you are milking a cow" advice is imperative. The worst thing you can do is just grab and yank. Not only is it not stimulating, it is also boner poison. I find girls who know about that are rarer than they ought to be.
And just how many girls ought there be who know that trick? IMO guys should just do it themselves. Theyre better at it anyway.
Beating another d00d'z meat isn't ez. Ur at a different angle. I bet u couldn't do it, lol.


October 12 2005, 02:03:12 UTC 12 years ago

Thanks for the advice, Mrs. Roosevelt!
No problem!